Saturday, January 06, 2007

Let Me Tell You a Little...

Story or Two.

Well have been hitting rock bottom a couple of times each week wondering what is in store or even out of stock in my/our life to come. That stupid but I didn’t think it would be like this loop playing and playing and playing until someone says stop and I say well shut-up time to get on with things and maybe I get a bit Oprah and train that voice to you go girl you take control you go get those dreams. Kindofthing. But I also so secretly hope to God (really) that I don’t bump into anyone that could vaguely represent the people I’m Supposed To Be Impressing but at one point I turn up to a wedding and a lot of them are there or not really but that dumb self that hopes to be the girl that they are all secretly jealous of, the you know, guess what she’s doing girl or even the girl the whole school talks about as the girl that went to our school la de dah. Then realise it’s all dumb, i haven't been at school in over ten years, and I’m not a failure just because I don’t have a job and haven’t yet reached that unobtainable fantastical DREAM JOB status. Plus I have the cutest husband And son around, so you know, that wins. Hands down and not pants down as I accidentally said once.

Story two. Got passed an envelope at church with a heap of cash in it with our name on it. There I was buying scratichies and getting really bummed that I didn’t win, the whole Everyone’s A Winner-Just Play For Fun not amusing me at all. Let’s face it fun is a million bucks in the bank and not fun is a scratched scartchie that doesn’t even promise another free ticket. But a whole wad of cash for us given with no strings attached and a Merry Christmas card that made me believe in Merry again. Things aren’t really that bad but I suppose Merry anything seems like a huge word and merry Christmas maybe does not represent my experience of this particular celebratory day. Being handed this money made me think about being handed GRACE and prior to remembering GRACE I went through the thoughts of we don’t deserve it, we don’t need it, that person needs it much much more and it struck me that that is what it is like to receive God’s grace. To think those thoughts. So I accepted the money. Thankfully and gracefully. I also said that night to alex I feel wrapped in a silk cocoon of love. I think he thought I meant him which would be partially true but I really meant everyone that He has placed around me/us. Spectacular people that create a marshmallow wall between us and the world. People that show me His love in so many ways. People that show us Hope.

Story three. When you hit rock bottom you then have to find the tools to carve your way up and through the molten. My tool is writing. The old adage write until you write is my new motto and rather than putting off writing and reading about writing or even reading about other people putting off writing. I am going to write. Probably a great deal of shit like this but maybe I will pull some gems out. Or even some semi-precious bits. So you may tune out soon reader. You may go this is not for me. You may want to visit blogs where boom bands play. And I don’t mean my husband’s band- I’m referring to a line out of Dr Seuss book, Oh the Places You’ll Go. Read it. So feel free to piss off for my future ramblings streams of self indulgent consciousness. Or. Stick around. Ramble too.


Alex said...

Well actually I think it wins hands down AND pants down...!

Am I allowed to say that? Well I guess if anyone is allowed to get a little bit bawdy on your blog its me. heehee!!

byron said...

I'll be sticking around (though might have to shut my ears/eyes if Al keeps that up...). Keep going girl. You're not the only one searching - there's always One looking out for you.

andrew said...

Hey Rach,

I've found in the past that when my pants have gneo down, my hands have instinctively gone down too!

Hmmm ... met more friends last night who are also pondering where the money will come from this year and if they will get some employment in something they actually enjoy (and have been trained) to do.

Hang in there.

Ramble on!

andrew said...

'gone' not 'gneo'

Emma said...

love you rach

Felicity said...

Thank heaps for sharing that stuff. Your choosing to be vulnerable in this was well worth it I believe... for the inspiration factor to re kick in for me and many others

Rachel said...

thanks for the lovely and naughty comments. my lovely marshmallow friends.

I so nearly pulled this post. my struggles felt rather like a first world luxery rather than one of survival and rather trivial in the face of what one of you are going through.

There is more to come... in the words of Byron.

byron said...

Struggles are never trivial Rach - the daily battle against despair, apathy and bitterness is where the real war is fought and won. Keep fighting!

anneenna said...

Love you Rach- have felt the same way over the last month or so, in terms of feeling low about people judging one's success.

So much of that ratrace is a vortex that consumes your creative energies.

The problem isn't you- its the lack of thought that goes into facilitating meaningful work in our society.

You deserve work that values your many gifts, and respects you for your knowledge.

Hopefully the workforce will become a much more humane environment (with our help) in our lifetimes.

nicole said...

baugh. i'm starting to realise that the people i went to school with have a totally different understanding of 'success and failure' to what i do (i.e. pretty much polar opposite). i hope one day we can each see one of those People We're Supposed To Be Impressing and feel completely confident that the success they are looking for in our lives is really not success at all, and that we'll feel good knowing that we really have done alright (especially when we're actually pretty darn happy studying, working part time or not at all, hanging out with our incredibly good looking husband and in your case son, and knowing who God is and what this world is really all about). and of course not be up ourselves knowing that we pretty much have it all, pants down!

ps thanks for sharing, and hope rock bottom is getting at least a bit cushioned by that marshmallow wall. x