Story or Two.
Well have been hitting rock bottom a couple of times each week wondering what is in store or even out of stock in my/our life to come. That stupid but I didn’t think it would be like this loop playing and playing and playing until someone says stop and I say well shut-up time to get on with things and maybe I get a bit Oprah and train that voice to you go girl you take control you go get those dreams. Kindofthing. But I also so secretly hope to God (really) that I don’t bump into anyone that could vaguely represent the people I’m Supposed To Be Impressing but at one point I turn up to a wedding and a lot of them are there or not really but that dumb self that hopes to be the girl that they are all secretly jealous of, the you know, guess what she’s doing girl or even the girl the whole school talks about as the girl that went to our school la de dah. Then realise it’s all dumb, i haven't been at school in over ten years, and I’m not a failure just because I don’t have a job and haven’t yet reached that unobtainable fantastical DREAM JOB status. Plus I have the cutest husband And son around, so you know, that wins. Hands down and not pants down as I accidentally said once.
Story two. Got passed an envelope at church with a heap of cash in it with our name on it. There I was buying scratichies and getting really bummed that I didn’t win, the whole Everyone’s A Winner-Just Play For Fun not amusing me at all. Let’s face it fun is a million bucks in the bank and not fun is a scratched scartchie that doesn’t even promise another free ticket. But a whole wad of cash for us given with no strings attached and a Merry Christmas card that made me believe in Merry again. Things aren’t really that bad but I suppose Merry anything seems like a huge word and merry Christmas maybe does not represent my experience of this particular celebratory day. Being handed this money made me think about being handed GRACE and prior to remembering GRACE I went through the thoughts of we don’t deserve it, we don’t need it, that person needs it much much more and it struck me that that is what it is like to receive God’s grace. To think those thoughts. So I accepted the money. Thankfully and gracefully. I also said that night to alex I feel wrapped in a silk cocoon of love. I think he thought I meant him which would be partially true but I really meant everyone that He has placed around me/us. Spectacular people that create a marshmallow wall between us and the world. People that show me His love in so many ways. People that show us Hope.
Story three. When you hit rock bottom you then have to find the tools to carve your way up and through the molten. My tool is writing. The old adage write until you write is my new motto and rather than putting off writing and reading about writing or even reading about other people putting off writing. I am going to write. Probably a great deal of shit like this but maybe I will pull some gems out. Or even some semi-precious bits. So you may tune out soon reader. You may go this is not for me. You may want to visit blogs where boom bands play. And I don’t mean my husband’s band- I’m referring to a line out of Dr Seuss book, Oh the Places You’ll Go. Read it. So feel free to piss off for my future ramblings streams of self indulgent consciousness. Or. Stick around. Ramble too.
